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Thread: One-Liners - Short Jokes

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    Wink One-Liners - Short Jokes

    What does a lion call an antelope?

    Fast food.

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    Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M Factory?

    She threw away all the w's.

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    What does a cool cow say?

    Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuude.

    Heehee
    diana930 likes this.

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    How do you make a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
    Just say, "Fees."

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    After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car, his father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home and I wanted to stay with you guys."

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    Smile Give Me The News, Doc - Joke

    The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."

    The patient said, "Give me the good news."

    "They're going to name a disease after you."
    JohnMcCauley likes this.

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    Default You're Next Joke

    I always hated weddings because the elderly would come over and poke me saying "You're next.". They stopped doing it when I started doing it to them at funerals.
    JohnMcCauley likes this.

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    How can you tell when a blond has been using your computer?
    There's Wite-Out all over the screen.
    Life, when I asked if this day could get any worse, it was a rhetorical question, NOT a challenge!

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    How can you tell when a blond has been using your computer?
    There's Wite-Out all over the screen.
    Life, when I asked if this day could get any worse, it was a rhetorical question, NOT a challenge!

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    Smile Peter Kay One Liners - Jokes

    I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'

    When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

    I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

    I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

    A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

    Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

    My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

    S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

    I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

    If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

    I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

    I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

    Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before..

    PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

    Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

    At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

    Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

    You never know where to look when eating a banana.

    You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

    Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

    Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

    Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

    SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

    Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

    Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

    Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

    Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

    Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

    Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?

    Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

    Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

    Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'llsqueeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

    What do people in China call their good quality plates?

    Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

    What do you call male ballerinas?

    Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

    If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

    Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

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