What the job ads really say

Ground floor opportunity - Lousy job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year.

Progressive company - Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday.

Team player - Must deal with dangerously territorial coworkers with rabid personalities.

Upbeat personalities - Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug alcohol rehab benefit within the first year.

Word processing skills essential - There is a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future.

Public Relations Receptionist, Professional appearance important - $20 K a year job that requires a $100K year wardrobe.

Salary range $24K to $32K - The salary is $24K.

Will train - Prior conviction of a felony or two, no problem.

BA required, MA preferred - Must be a MA willing to work for a BA salary.

Civil service - This job was filled from the inside six months ago.

Outstanding benefits package - Health insurance.

Tons of variety - We took all of the heinous tasks no one else would do and rolled them into one job.

Top notch communication skills - Telemarketing.

Beautiful offices in attractive locale - Brand new tacky windowless office where picture frames match the carpet.

Secretary - Woman only job with the responsibilities of management and the wages of a migrant worker.

Executive secretary - The most powerful position in any company.

Dedicated - You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week until we force you into early retirement.

Salary commensurate - We'll pay you whatever the we feel like.

Salary negotiable - We'll take the lowest bidder.

Competitive salary - We'll pay you up to 10 percent more than your last job!

Competitive starting salary - Ten cents above minimum wage.

Pleasant atmosphere - A staff of pod people.

Professional atmosphere - Zombie pod people.

Self-starter - Open to very broad interpretation, since no one really knows what this means.