One-Liners - Short Jokes

[SadMan]

What does a lion call an antelope?

Fast food.

[SadMan]

Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M Factory?

She threw away all the w's.

[somechick]

What does a cool cow say?

Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuude.

Heehee :D

[SadMan]

How do you make a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
Just say, "Fees."

[SadMan]

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car, his father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home and I wanted to stay with you guys."

[SadMan]

The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The patient said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."

[SadMan]

I always hated weddings because the elderly would come over and poke me saying "You're next.". They stopped doing it when I started doing it to them at funerals.

[Ryan's Mom]

How can you tell when a blond has been using your computer?
There's Wite-Out all over the screen.

[Ryan's Mom]

How can you tell when a blond has been using your computer?
There's Wite-Out all over the screen.

[SadMan]

I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before..

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'llsqueeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

What do people in China call their good quality plates?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

[SadMan]

What do you get when you play a country song backwards?

You get your house back, tractor back, wife back, and dog back...

[SadMan]

A woman needs only four animals in her life:

- a mink on her back,
- a jaguar in her garage,
- a tiger in her bed,

and a jackass to pay for it all...

[SadMan]

Denis Leary: Laptops May Lead to Impotence

Laptops may lead to impotence. Yay. Im buying my daughters boyfriend an Apple MacBook first thing tomorrow morning.

[SadMan]

I always hated weddings because the elderly would come over and poke me saying "You're next.".
They stopped doing it when I started doing it to them at funerals.

[SadMan]

'A lot of people are wearing t-shirts with pictures of people that inspire them to do stuff. I wear a picture of my son cause no one inspires me to work harder than my son. Its also a constant reminder to wear a condom.'

[SadMan]

Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing.
Husband: Because the people would think I am beating you.

[SIR JAMES]

did you hear the one about the skunk that fell in love with a fart? :lol:

[SadMan]

A husband and wife were trying to set up a new password to their computer.
A husband, "Put 'MYPENIS' " and the wife fell on the ground laughing cause on screen was error, "Error. Not long enough."

[Ladysteeler]

lol, lol, lmao!!

[SadMan]

Cool Morals:

1. Money is not everything. There's also MasterCard & Visa.
2. One should love animals. They are tasty too.
3. Save water. Drink beer.
4. Studying is healthy. So leave it for the sick.
5. Books are holy. So don't touch them.
6. Love your neighbor. But don't get caught.
7. Every one should marry because happiness is not the only thing in life...

[SadMan]

Q. How does Bill Gates enter his house?
A. He uses "windows".

[rebate queen]

Q. How does Bill Gates enter his house?
A. He uses "windows".

Hardy har har:chees:

[jammom]

BaHaHa !!!

[SadMan]

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous."

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

WIFE: "In the pool."

[SadMan]

Why did the blond stare at the frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?

Because it said, "concentrate."

[SadMan]

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.

[SadMan]

"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night."

Marie Corelli

[SadMan]

Why beer goes through your system so fast?
Because it does not have to stop to change color.

[SadMan]

Fellow 1 : “Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that, too.”
Fellow 2 : “Wow, that’s Incredible. How did he know all of that?”
Fellow 1 : “A judge told him.”

[SadMan]

Q: What is the difference between a Pit Bull and a Pathologist?

A: A Pit bull lets go when you're dead!

[SadMan]

During an auction of exotic pets, a woman who had placed a winning bid told the auctioneer, "I'm paying a fortune for that parrot. I hope he talks as well as you say he does."

"I guarantee it, madam," replied the auctioneer. "Who do you think was bidding against you?"

[SadMan]

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

[SadMan]

Question: Who is more satisfied, a man with a million dollars, or a man with six children?

Answer: The man with six children. The man with a million dollars wants more.

[SadMan]

A perfect example of minority rule is a baby in the house.

I lost twenty pounds. Unfortunately, I was in England at the time.

Success is getting what you like, happiness is liking what you get.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

The trouble with a three-day weekend is that it turns Tuesday into Monday.

You think this is a free country until you move into a subdivision with a homeowners' association.

The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Isn't it a shame that future generations can't be here to see all the wonderful things we're doing with their money?

It never occurs to some people that there is a big difference between giving advice and lending a hand.

Elections should be held on Christmas. That way, if we don't like who we elect, we can exchange them.

If something goes without saying, let it!

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

If you want a new idea, read an old book.

Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!

If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan?

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

You can't make your candle burn brighter by blowing out the other fellow's.

I was stopped once for going 53 in a 35 mile zone, but I told them I was dyslexic.

I figured out a way to slow down inflation. Turn it over to a government worker!

The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

[SadMan]

After drinking, men talk unnecessarily, become emotional, drive badly, stop thinking, fight for nothing.

Women can do all these without drinking!

[SadMan]

A question I want to asked based on my observation at the supermarket - Why do they make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

[nav0413]

Those jokes made my day! Thanks to you, Mr. SadMan! :lol:

[MaraJadeC]

The topic for my third grade class was genetics. Smiling broadly, I pointed to my dimples and asked, "What trait do you think I passed on to my children?"
After a pause, one student called out, "Wrinkles?"

Frm Reader's Digest Asia Jan 2013

[SadMan]

A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help."

"Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..."

[SadMan]

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

If a nickel knew what it is worth today, it would feel like two cents.

A lot of pessimists get that way from financing optimists.

When you have your head up your butt, 4 of the 5 senses do not work.

I'd rather visit the zoo than most of my relatives.

If only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens?

Commercial truck owners should be required to pay into a state windshield repair fund.

I knew the Louisiana Purchase was a bad idea.

I work for a living, I don't live for working.

With fuel prices skyrocketing, they should now call them gasp pumps!

Buffet is a French term, It means "get up and get it yourself."

Without geometry, life is pointless.

To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more relaxing than going fishing.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

If people talk behind your back, it only means you are two steps ahead.

Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.

Why is the National Guard in Iraq and the Army in New Orleans?

Yes, I'm lost... but I'm making GREAT time!

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings.

Time isn't on my side. It's on my back.

[PhRoxy]

What do you call male ballerinas?

what is the answer man? :cool::lol:

[SadMan]

Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?

A: Have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses?

[dealcatcher3]

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

If a philosopher answers your question, you will no longer understand what you asked in the first place.

What does a blonde ask her blonde friend who just did a pregnancy test? Were the questions hard? Did you pass?

What is the best thing to do when you have a hole in a boat and water is leaking inside? Make another hole to drain the water.

How is a poor man a lot like a rich man? They both have an iPhone.

What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

How does a doctor feel when he loses a patient in the emergency room? The same way a child feels when he drops his ice cream.

What is the difference between having a cold beer and going to the bathroom? About 35 minutes.

I did not trip and fall. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning.

If you don't succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried.

Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.

I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making.

A bald spot is like a lie, the bigger it gets the harder it is to cover it up.

[SadMan]

Mary Jane was walking on the beach one day and saw a shark swimming around a man.

The man was screaming, "Help me! Help me!"

Mary Jane laughed and laughed... She knew that the shark was never going to help that man!

[SadMan]

Dermatologist: Good News my dear, after looking through your test results I'm happy to report you will no longer be plagued by pimples.

Girl: Wow! That's great! Why?

Dermatologist: There's no more space.

[dealcatcher3]

Children in the backseat can cause accidents.

Accidents in the backseat can cause children.

[SadMan]

Success is...

At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 50 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having sex.
At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.

[SadMan]

A married couple was having a conversation. The husband asked his wife: "If i ever win the lottery what would you do?"

The wife's respond was: "I would take half and leave you!"

The husband said: "Well, your in luck - I won the lottery! So, here's $6 and get outta here!"

[SadMan]

"Last Sunday I found a wallet packed with money down by the church."

"Did you give it back?"

"Not yet. I'm still trying to decide if it's a temptation from the devil or the answer to a prayer."

[SadMan]

A grandfather asks his grandson: "How old are you?"

The grandson replies: "Five".

Grandfather says: "When I was your age I was six!"

[SadMan]

So this kid has been using lots of his dad's money and the dad says, "Do you think money grows on trees?"

"Yeah," says the kid.

"Well, it doesn't," says the dad.

"So what is money made out of, Dad?"

"Paper," the dad says.

"And what is paper made out of?"

"Shut up."

[SadMan]

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

[SadMan]

An Irishman finds a sandwich in a gutter with 2 red wires sticking out of it.

He calls the cops and says "Help me!!! I've found a sandwich which looks like a bomb."

Cop says, "Is it ticken?"

Irishman says, "No, I tink its beef."

[SadMan]

Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?

Dentist: Wear a brown tie...

[SadMan]

An older man, not in the best physical condition, asked the trainer in the gym, "I want to impress a beautiful young girl. Which machine should I use?" The trainer replied, "Use the ATM machine outside!"

[SadMan]

Cowboy: Give me three packets of condoms, please.
CASHIER: Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?
Cowboy: Nah. She ain't THAT ugly.

[SadMan]

A blonde had some goldfish and she did not know how to feed them. So she called her brunette friend, and she showed her how.

Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said, "Now, what do I give them to drink?"

[SadMan]

A murderer was secured to the electric chair, about to be executed.

The chaplain approached him and asked, "Do you have any last requests?"

"Yes," replied the murderer. "Would you hold my hand?"

[SadMan]

Q: What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?

A: An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next year. A Sicilian actuary can give you their names...

[SadMan]

Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

When I thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year, I gave up thinking.

You know it's time for a New Year's resolution to lose weight when you step on a talking scale and it says, "One at a time, please!"

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

My New Year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

New Year's Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper.

My New Year's resolution is 1080p.

I'm getting drunk just thinking about tomorrow night.

My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.

If 2013 was a person, I'd sue him for pain and suffering and lost wages.

This New Year's I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.

People treat New Year's like some sort of life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it's probably still going to suck tomorrow.

Dear Luck, can we be friends in 2014 please?

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions.

I want to get so drunk that if vampires bit my neck they'd get a Bloody Mary.

I wanna kiss you on December 31st from 11:59 pm to 12:01 am, so I can have an amazing ending to 2013 and a beautiful beginning into 2014.

Many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Year's Eve. DIGNITY is not one of them.

Every year I make a resolution to change myself... this year making a resolution to be myself!

I'm planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in 2014.

Just heard that in 2014 there will be a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it's called alcohol.

My New Year's Resolution is to break my New Year's Resolutions...That way I succeed at something!

Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn't drinking enough of it.

New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar.

I'm actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year.

My 2014 resolution is for everyone else to gain the 50 pounds I refuse to lose.

Tonight the Mayor is dropping the ball in New York while Congress is dropping the ball in Washington.

There have been many times in 2013, when I have annoyed you, disturbed you, irritated you, and bugged the hell out of you....today I just wanna tell you I plan to continue in 2014!

[SadMan]

A man and his wife went to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took the man's order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

The waiter said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

[SadMan]

“I’m beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Listen to this from his bill: ‘For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $250'.”

[SadMan]

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, “When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.

Now after ten years it’s all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking.”

[SadMan]

Paddy and Murphy are walking in the jungle by a river, and see a man's head sticking out of a crocodile.

Paddy says to Murphy: "Look at that flash bloke in his Lacoste sleeping bag."

[SadMan]

Man to wife: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I’ve been giving you?

Wife: Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

[SadMan]

Wife: This article on overpopulation of the world says that somewhere in the world there is a woman having a baby every four seconds.

Husband: I think they ought to find that woman and stop her!

[SadMan]

A boxer goes to a doctor complaining of insomnia.

"Have you tried counting sheep?" asks the doctor.

"It doesn't work," replies the boxer. "Every time I get to nine I stand up."

[SadMan]

After a long night, the blonde asks her friend: "Say, do you have AIDS?"

"No!" the guy answers firmly, "Of course not!"

"Oh, that's good," replies the blonde, "I don't wanna catch it again."

[SadMan]

What are the three words you don't want to hear while making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

[SadMan]

A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, “If you don’t promise to send us $100,000, we promise you we will kidnap your wife.”

The poor man wrote back, ” I am afraid I can’t keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours.”

[SadMan]

Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his barstool and lies motionless on the floor.

"One thing about Fred," his buddy says to the bartender. "He knows when to stop."

[SadMan]

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

[SadMan]

Bill: It was really bad in divorce court today with me and my wife.

Doug: How's that?

Bill: Well she cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook!

[SadMan]

Pessimist...sees a dark tunnel.

Optimist...sees a light at the end of the tunnel.

Realist...sees a freight train.

Train operator...sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

[SadMan]

Q: What is the difference between a Fairy Tale and A Truck Drivers Tale?

A: A Fairy Tale starts off "Once upon a time..." A Truck Driver's tale starts off "Man, you ain't gonna believe this shit..."

[SadMan]

"Cheer up," the lawyer advised his recently divorced colleague, "there are plenty of other fish in the sea."

"Maybe so," replied his despondent friend, "but the last one took all my bait."

[SadMan]

His wife's grave side service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

[SadMan]

- Hello, darling! Can you speak now?

- Yes I can.

- Then listen...

[SadMan]

A guy asked for a goodnight kiss, but the girl rebuffed him haughtily, saying: "I don't do that sort of thing on my first date!"
"Well," he said sarcastically, "how about on your last date?"

[SadMan]

Two adjoining barber shops were in a fierce competition. One put up a sign advertising haircuts for $7. So the other put up a sign that read: "We repair $7 haircuts"

[SadMan]

- MOM! HEY MOM!

- Steve, stop yelling across the house! If you want to talk to me, walk over to the living room. Where I am!

- Mom, I stepped in dog poo. Where's the hose?

[SadMan]

"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire.'"

Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.

"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"

"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.

[SadMan]

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness.

Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

[SadMan]

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?"

He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If elected I promise...'"

[SadMan]

A man went to the doctor. The doctor examined him and said: "I'm sorry to have to tell you this - but you only have three minutes left to live."

The man said: "Oh my god! Are you sure there is nothing you can do for me?"

The doctor thought for a moment then replied: "I could boil you an egg!"

[SadMan]

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.

She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy: W."

[SadMan]

Felix: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a sheep!

Doctor: That's baaa-d.

[SadMan]

1st thief : Oh! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!

2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.

1st thief : Hurry! this is no time to be superstitious.

[SadMan]

A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you!”

“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.

“It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking to the wine.”

[SadMan]

Wife: Honey I lost 5 pounds!

Husband: AT LAST... you washed off your makeup!

[SadMan]

The stock broker was nervous his first day in prison because his cellmate looked like a tough customer. "Don't worry," the gruff fellow said, "I'm in for a white-collar crime, too."

"Is that right?" The stock broker said, relieved.

"Yeah," said the prisoner, "I killed a priest."

[SadMan]

Law Professor: Which is the most important Law of Finance for Starting a New Business?

Student: Father-in-Law!

[SadMan]

A man goes to the dentist and says, "My teeth are kind of yellow, what do you recommend?"

The dentist replies, "A brown tie!"

[JohnsonKaes]

How did the farmer find his wife?

He tractor down

[SadMan]

During the course of being interviewed by the press, the noted doctor was asked by a reporter: "Doctor, did you ever make a serious mistake?"

"Yes," was the reply, "I once cured a millionaire in three visits!"

[SadMan]

A cop pulled me over and saids, "Papers."
I turned to him and said, "Scissors. I win!" and then drove away.

[SadMan]

Officer to driver going the wrong way up a one way street. "And where do you think you are going?"

Driver: "I'm not sure, but I must be late as everyone else is already coming back."

[SadMan]

Why were hurricanes usually named after women?

Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.

[SadMan]

“Why don't some couples go to the gym?
- Because some relationships don't work out.”

[SadMan]

Where are the worst hotels? A:

Where are the worst hotels? A: Texas, the lone star state.

[SadMan]

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

[SadMan]

Diet Day #1- I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.

[SadMan]

A little boy says, ‘Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.’ ‘Son,’ says the dad.
‘That happens everywhere.’

[SadMan]

Paddy and Murphy are walking in the jungle by a river, and see a man's head sticking out of a crocodile.

Paddy says to Murphy: "Look at that flash bloke in his Lacoste sleeping bag."

[SadMan]

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

[SadMan]

Customer: Waiter, is this supposed to be coffee or tea?

Waiter: What does it taste like?

Customer: It tastes like gasoline!

Waiter: Well, sir, that would be the coffee. The tea tastes like turpentine.

[SadMan]

Women are unpredictable:

Before marriage, she expects a man.

After marriage she suspects him.

And after death she respects him.

[SadMan]

Teacher: Sir, why doctors wear a mask when they do an operation?

Student: For safety. If the patient dies, others can't find out who did the operation.

[SadMan]

Have you heard of the garlic diet?

You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner.

[SadMan]

A Texan went to California. As he walked around a garden, he picked up a watermelon.

"Are these the biggest cucumbers you raise?" asked the Texan.

"Put down that raisin," snapped the Californian.

[SadMan]

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?

Reviews say that the food is very good but there is no atmosphere!

[SadMan]

A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant. The doctor says, "I know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?"

The girl thought and then asked, "Doc, if you ate a can of Baked Beans, would you know which bean made you fart?"

[SadMan]

Everyone on a passenger ship could see a bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is that man?" a passenger asked the ship's captain. "Why is he so upset?"
"I have no idea," the Captain replied, "but, every year when we pass by here, he goes crazy."

[SadMan]

An old couple were talking. The wife asked her husband, "How many women have you slept with?"
"Only you, Darling,” the man replied proudly. “With all the others I was awake."

[SadMan]

The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier: "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning."

The soldier replied: "Thank you very much, sir."

[SadMan]

What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?

They are four ways you can lose your house!

[SadMan]

Children:

You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.

Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and be quiet.

[SadMan]

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

[SadMan]

Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful", which tense is it?

Student: Obviously it is the past tense.

[SadMan]

A plumber was trying to placate a woman in her flooded kitchen.

"Listen, ma'am", he said, "crying only makes it worse."

[SadMan]

While making love, he says, "Darling, let's do 68!"

"68? What's that?"

"You do it to me and I'll owe you one."

[SadMan]

Fact of Life: After Monday & Tuesday Even the Calendar says W T F

[SadMan]

Me: What's the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Bartender: $3.
Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?
Bartender: "You need to buy a drink first". No spaces, all lowercase.

[SadMan]

This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what happened last night."

His buddy says, "Well then, tell me what happened."

The guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch."

She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"

I said, "Of course, you can," and shut the door.

[SadMan]

"I finally got my boss to laugh," said one friend to another after work.

"Oh, how?"

"I asked for a raise!"

[SadMan]

Did you ever see the customers in a health-food store? They are pale, skinny people who look half dead.

In a steak house you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying of course, but they look terrific.

[SadMan]

A boxer went to a doctor for treatment of insomnia.
"Have you tried counting sheep?" suggested the doctor.
"It doesn't work," replied the boxer. "Whenever I get to nine, I stand up!"

[SadMan]

“They come from a long line of bakers. They're inbred.”

[SadMan]

Q. How do you catch a polar bear?

A. You cut a hole in the ice and you put peas all round the edge and when the polar bear comes along and stops for a pea, you kick it in the ice hole.

[SadMan]

“When an escaped prisoner was caught camping out in the woods it was a clear case of criminal in tent.”

[SadMan]

Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!

[SadMan]

A blonde had some goldfish and she did not know how to feed them. So she called her brunette friend, and she showed her how.

Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said, "Now, what do I give them to drink?"

[SadMan]

Teacher: "Can someone tell me what an 'operetta' is?"
Student: "Easy. It's a woman who works for the phone company."

[SadMan]

Author: Well, the upshot of it was, that after ten years, I realized I had absolutely no talent for writing.

Friend: So, you gave up?

Author: No, I couldn't. By then, I was too famous.

[SadMan]

John: "My grandpa is 98 years old, and he doesn't even use glasses."
Jack: "Wow, that is incredible!"
John: "Yep, he drinks straight from the bottle."

[SadMan]

"Do you have a dream?"

"Yes I do. I'd like to quit drinking."

"Well, do so."

"Suppose I do, then what? How can one live without a dream?"

[SadMan]

I'm great at multi-tasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

[SadMan]

Why is it always a bad idea to iron a four-leaf clover?
Because you should never press your luck.

[SadMan]

“Maintaining a healthy diet is a piece of cake.”

[SadMan]

A repeat offender was brought before the judge, who said, "Haven't I seen you in here several times before? And didn't I tell you I never wanted to see you in here again?"

The offender replied, "Yes, Your Honor, that's exactly what I told the officer, but he insisted I come anyway!"

[SadMan]

What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?
Guardians of the Galaxy.

[SadMan]

My boss texted me, "Send me one of your funny jokes, Pete."
I replied, "I'm working at the moment, Sir, I will send you one later."
He replied, "That was fantastic, send me another one."

[SadMan]

An undertaker can be one of your best friends...
He'll be the last one to let you down.

[SadMan]

“I dug up a worm for fishing. It's the end of the line for him.”

[SadMan]

A wife told her husband that he put football before their marriage.
“That’s not true,” he said. “After all, this is our fourth season together.”

[SadMan]

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

[SadMan]

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

[SadMan]

“Can new shock absorbers make a car easier to control? Of course - it goes without swaying!”

[SadMan]

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."

[SadMan]

Q: What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet?

A: A desserter.

[SadMan]

“The floor was so dusty that it seemed to be suffering from sweep deprivation.”

[SadMan]

I met a nice girl at a bar last night and asked her to call me when she made it home.

She must be homeless.

[SadMan]

I'm gonna go stand outside,

so if anybody asks you can just say i'am outstanding.

[SadMan]

“Bank robbery is a safe job.”

[SadMan]

"This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you."
Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine. I'll take two."

[SadMan]

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles...
He kept leaving little messages around the house.

[SadMan]

I was at a museum, and I asked a worker there if we were allowed to take pictures.

He told me no, as they had to stay on the walls.

[SadMan]

Susie: My husband is a great handyman. He can repair almost anything.
Jane: My mother always taught me to beware of the man that can fix everything. You'll never get anything new.

[SadMan]

If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.

If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

I intend to live forever. So far so good.

Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

I didn't use to finish sentences, but now I

I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut."

Evolution: True science fiction.

What's another word for "thesaurus"?

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

A torch is a case for holding dead batteries.

[SadMan]

Soon after marriage, a lady's husband stopped wearing his wedding ring. She asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?"

He replied, "It cuts off my circulation."

She answered back, "It's supposed to!"

[SadMan]

Two men are hiking through the woods when one of them cries out, “Snake! Run!”
His companion laughs at him. “Oh, relax. It’s only a baby,” he says. “Don’t you hear the rattle?”

[SadMan]

As the judge sentenced me to death, I tried to offer him a high five.

But he left me hanging.

[SadMan]

A manager announces to his staff, “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”
A voice in the background says, “I’m offering 200!”

[SadMan]

A woman calls her mother.

"My husband and I have been fighting so much lately. I am going to come live with you again."
Her mother replies, "No dear, he should pay for his mistakes. I am coming to live with you."

[SadMan]

The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know why men always want to marry a virgin?"
To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."

[SadMan]

A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray.

"Is this good for wasps?" he asks the assistant.

To which she replies "No, it kills them."

[SadMan]

Writing a horror screenplay. It starts off with a ringing phone.
The person answers and it’s their mom saying, “I have a computer question...“

[SadMan]

So many items are no longer made in America...
I just bought a new tv and the box said “built in antenna”...
I don’t even know where that is!

[SadMan]

A cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway...
Police advise citizens to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals!

[SadMan]

Q: What do you call the space between Kim Kardashian's breasts and butt cheeks?
A: Silicon Valley.

[SadMan]

My wife is incredibly smart.
When I called her from my buddy’s phone she answered, “Hey love!”
She already knew it was me.

[SadMan]

“When the arsonist met his girlfriend it was a perfect match. Both of them could light up a room with their presence.”

[SadMan]

Patient: Nurse, I am very eager to know my blood group.
Nurse: B positive.
Patient: Please tell me soon...
Nurse: B positive.
Patient: Madam, I am positive, but eager to know the blood my group.

[SadMan]

A gang member was holding his 8-month-old baby while his wife was in the kitchen fixing lunch. The baby murmured "mother".

The guy gets all excited and hollered to his wife, "Hey, the baby just said half a word!"

[SadMan]

I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she was googling my name last night on her computer...
I saw it clearly through my binoculars!

[SadMan]

“The decision to legalize marijuana was made by a high government official.”

[SadMan]

Why didn’t the sun go to college?
Because it already had a million degrees!

[SadMan]

Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia.
Man: Wait! I can explain everything.

[SadMan]

Fact of Life: After Monday & Tuesday Even the Calendar says W T F

[SadMan]

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating proposing.
"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.
"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."

[SadMan]

In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"
The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"

[SadMan]

Two students were talking about their childhood.
"I was a very clever toddler. By the time I was ten months old, I could already walk."
"You call that clever?" the other said. "I managed to trick my parents into carrying me until I was three!"

[SadMan]

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son.

He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city. But his wife looked back and was turned to salt."

His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

[SadMan]

"How did you find your steak?" asked the waiter of a patron in the very expensive restaurant.
"Just luck," the hungry man replied, sadly. "I happened to move that small piece of potato, and there it was!"

[SadMan]

A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Native American.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the man replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

[SadMan]

A man giving a long-winded speech finally says, "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."
A voice from the crowd says, "There's a calendar behind you."

[SadMan]

Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the start of April and I’ve grown bigger ever since.

[SadMan]

I hate it when my wife says "Are you listening to me?!"

Such a random way to start a conversation.

[SadMan]

Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly.
Today I’m putting a cockroach in the bathroom.

[SadMan]

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

[SadMan]

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.

[SadMan]

My wallet is like an onion.

When I open it, it makes me cry.

[SadMan]

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing...
If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

[SadMan]

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.

[SadMan]

A man was found guilty of overusing commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.

[SadMan]

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner!"

[SadMan]

I am so old...
When walking into a bar they checked my pulse instead of my ID!

[SadMan]

I just saw some idiot at the gym...
He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill!

[SadMan]

The doorbell rings. A man opens the door and there's his mother-in-law on the front step.
She asks, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
The man says, "Sure you can." And he closes the door.

[SadMan]

My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”
I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”

[SadMan]

A man phoned to find out whether he could get insurance if the nearby volcano erupted...
They assured him he would be covered.

[SadMan]

If con is the opposite of pro...
Does that mean Congress is the opposite of progress?

[SadMan]

I asked my phone, "Siri, why am I so bad with women?"
She said, "I'm Alexa you moron."

[SadMan]

If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be...
There's no need to remind her every half hour.

[SadMan]

It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
She'll be happy to know I got the hint.
I got her a magazine rack!

[SadMan]

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."

[SadMan]

I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me.
She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?”
I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”

[SadMan]

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with.

[SadMan]

Before crowbars were invented...
...most crows drank at home by themselves.

[SadMan]

Nothing has done more to stimulate the writing of fiction than the itemized deduction section of the income-tax forms.

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf.

People who squawk about their income tax can be divided into two classes: men and women.

The average man knows as much about the atomic bomb as he does about his income-tax form.

Income taxes are not so bad and certainly could be worse. Suppose we had to pay on what we think we are worth?

George Washington never told a lie, but then he never had to file a Form 1040.

What the present income-tax form needs is a section which would explain the explanations.

When making out your income-tax report, be sure you don't overlook your most expensive dependent - the government.

It has almost reached the point where, if a person takes a day off, he falls behind in his income-tax payments.

Income-tax forms are nothing more than the government's quiz program.

Some of us can recall the day when a person who had to pay income tax was considered to be wealthy.

No stretch of the imagination is as complete as the one used in filling out income-tax forms.

Income tax is the fine you pay for thriving so fast.

We wouldn't mind paying income tax if we could know which country it's going to.

Income-tax forms should be more realistic by allowing the taxpayer to list Uncle Sam as a dependent.

In 1913 Uncle Sam collected only 13 million dollars in income taxes. That's why they were called the "good old days."

The guy who said that truth never hurts never had to fill out a Form 1040.

Come to think of it, these income-tax forms leave little to the imagination and even less to the taxpayer.

Just thinking about income taxes often taxes the mind - which is something people once said the IRS couldn't do.

Making out your own income tax return is something like a do-it-yourself mugging.

[SadMan]

Interviewer: "Your resume says you take things too literally."
Me: “When the hell did my resume learn to talk?”

[SadMan]

People are usually shocked when they find out I am not a good electrician.

[SadMan]

Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done.
Turns out, he only does odd jobs.

[SadMan]

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."

I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"

[SadMan]

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots, and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."

The bartender asks, "What do you have?"

The guy answers, "75 cents."

[SadMan]

Doctor: "Would you have the money if I said you needed an operation?"
Patient: "Would you say I needed an operation if you thought I didn't have the money?"

[SadMan]

The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 26 minutes...
And it was performed by the child sitting behind me on Delta flight 963 from LA to Tokyo.

[SadMan]

Dentist: "You need a crown."
Patient: "Finally, someone who understands me."

[SadMan]

“Darling, I think the new dryer is shrinking my clothes.”
“No, sweetie, that was the fridge.”

[SadMan]

"How long have you been working at that office?"
"Ever since they threatened to fire me."

[SadMan]

Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually...
It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for solitaire.

[SadMan]

Fun fact: Australia's biggest export is boomerangs.
It's also their biggest import.

[SadMan]

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

[SadMan]

Swimming Coach: "Hey! Why are you doing only the backstroke?"
Swimmer: "Because I just ate, sir. I don't want to swim on a full stomach."

[SadMan]

People call me self-centered...
But that’s enough about them.

[SadMan]

Wife: Why are you late?
Husband: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Wife: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Husband: No, I was standing on it.

[SadMan]

What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?

They are four ways you can lose your house!

[SadMan]

Husband throwing darts at his wife's photo and not even a single throw hitting the target.
From another room the wife calls, "Honey, what are you doing?"
Husband: "MISSING YOU..."

[SadMan]

My boss calls me "the computer"...
Nothing to do with intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

[SadMan]

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.
MAN, I sure am LUCKY!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!!

[SadMan]

Why were the horses so happy?
Because they lived in a stable environment.

[SadMan]

I lost twenty pounds. Unfortunately, I was in England at the time.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

The trouble with a three-day weekend is that it turns Tuesday into Monday.

You think this is a free country until you move into a subdivision with a homeowners' association.

If you want a new idea, read an old book.

The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

[SadMan]

What do you say to your single friends on Valentine’s Day?
Happy Independence Day!

[SadMan]

ME: What does "competitive salary" mean?
BOSS: It means your salary will be competing with your bills.

[Raeja]

What did one toilet paper roll say to the other toilet paper roll?


People keep "ripping me off"!

[SadMan]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[SadMan]

What's the difference between Big Ben and Tic Tok?
One tells time, the other wastes time.

[SadMan]

My boss calls me "the computer"...
Nothing to do with intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

[SadMan]

What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?
A rock guitarist plays 4 notes in front of 1000 people, while a jazz guitarist plays 1000 notes in front of 4 people.

[SadMan]

A friend of mine got kidnapped by a group of mimes...
They did unspeakable things to him!

[SadMan]

What is a Pessimist?

The real world dictionary defines a 'pessimist' as an optimist with no experience.

[SadMan]

My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends, so she said I was a bad lover...
You should have seen her face when they all disagreed.

[SadMan]

I was on a blind date with a woman, and during our dinner conversationБ she said, "You know, I used to be a Christian." I told her that was fine, it really didn't matter to me.
She said, "Good. Because I'm much more comfortable as a Christine."

[SadMan]

I like my coffee like I like my women...
Strong, and able to give me the kick in the ass I need to get movin' in the morning!

[SadMan]

I asked my wife why she married me. She said “Because you are funny.”
I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.” She said “See? You’re hilarious!

[SadMan]

Devil: This is the lake of lava you will be spending eternity in
Me: Actually, since we're underground, it would be magma
Devil: You understand this is why you're here, right?

[SadMan]

If i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on.
I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

[SadMan]

What’s the difference between a musician and a pizza?
One can feed a family.

[SadMan]

Where can you still get gas for $1.39?

Taco Bell.

[SadMan]

My Husband died.
After He died, I couldn't even look at another Man for almost 20 years.
But now that I'm out of Prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.