What does a lion call an antelope?
Fast food.
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What does a lion call an antelope?
Fast food.
Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M Factory?
She threw away all the w's.
What does a cool cow say?
Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuude.
Heehee :D
How do you make a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
Just say, "Fees."
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car, his father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home and I wanted to stay with you guys."
The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The patient said, "Give me the good news."
"They're going to name a disease after you."
I always hated weddings because the elderly would come over and poke me saying "You're next.". They stopped doing it when I started doing it to them at funerals.
How can you tell when a blond has been using your computer?
There's Wite-Out all over the screen.
How can you tell when a blond has been using your computer?
There's Wite-Out all over the screen.
I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before..
PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
You never know where to look when eating a banana.
You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY
Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'llsqueeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
What do people in China call their good quality plates?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.
What do you get when you play a country song backwards?
You get your house back, tractor back, wife back, and dog back...
A woman needs only four animals in her life:
- a mink on her back,
- a jaguar in her garage,
- a tiger in her bed,
and a jackass to pay for it all...
Denis Leary: Laptops May Lead to Impotence
Laptops may lead to impotence. Yay. Im buying my daughters boyfriend an Apple MacBook first thing tomorrow morning.
I always hated weddings because the elderly would come over and poke me saying "You're next.".
They stopped doing it when I started doing it to them at funerals.
'A lot of people are wearing t-shirts with pictures of people that inspire them to do stuff. I wear a picture of my son cause no one inspires me to work harder than my son. Its also a constant reminder to wear a condom.'
Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing.
Husband: Because the people would think I am beating you.
did you hear the one about the skunk that fell in love with a fart? :lol:
A husband and wife were trying to set up a new password to their computer.
A husband, "Put 'MYPENIS' " and the wife fell on the ground laughing cause on screen was error, "Error. Not long enough."
lol, lol, lmao!!
Cool Morals:
1. Money is not everything. There's also MasterCard & Visa.
2. One should love animals. They are tasty too.
3. Save water. Drink beer.
4. Studying is healthy. So leave it for the sick.
5. Books are holy. So don't touch them.
6. Love your neighbor. But don't get caught.
7. Every one should marry because happiness is not the only thing in life...
Q. How does Bill Gates enter his house?
A. He uses "windows".
BaHaHa !!!
WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool."
Why did the blond stare at the frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
Because it said, "concentrate."
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.
"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night."
Marie Corelli
Why beer goes through your system so fast?
Because it does not have to stop to change color.
Fellow 1 : “Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that, too.”
Fellow 2 : “Wow, that’s Incredible. How did he know all of that?”
Fellow 1 : “A judge told him.”
Q: What is the difference between a Pit Bull and a Pathologist?
A: A Pit bull lets go when you're dead!
During an auction of exotic pets, a woman who had placed a winning bid told the auctioneer, "I'm paying a fortune for that parrot. I hope he talks as well as you say he does."
"I guarantee it, madam," replied the auctioneer. "Who do you think was bidding against you?"
- Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
- Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
Question: Who is more satisfied, a man with a million dollars, or a man with six children?
Answer: The man with six children. The man with a million dollars wants more.
A perfect example of minority rule is a baby in the house.
I lost twenty pounds. Unfortunately, I was in England at the time.
Success is getting what you like, happiness is liking what you get.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
The trouble with a three-day weekend is that it turns Tuesday into Monday.
You think this is a free country until you move into a subdivision with a homeowners' association.
The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.
Isn't it a shame that future generations can't be here to see all the wonderful things we're doing with their money?
It never occurs to some people that there is a big difference between giving advice and lending a hand.
Elections should be held on Christmas. That way, if we don't like who we elect, we can exchange them.
If something goes without saying, let it!
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
If you want a new idea, read an old book.
Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan?
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
You can't make your candle burn brighter by blowing out the other fellow's.
I was stopped once for going 53 in a 35 mile zone, but I told them I was dyslexic.
I figured out a way to slow down inflation. Turn it over to a government worker!
The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
After drinking, men talk unnecessarily, become emotional, drive badly, stop thinking, fight for nothing.
Women can do all these without drinking!
A question I want to asked based on my observation at the supermarket - Why do they make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
Those jokes made my day! Thanks to you, Mr. SadMan! :lol:
The topic for my third grade class was genetics. Smiling broadly, I pointed to my dimples and asked, "What trait do you think I passed on to my children?"
After a pause, one student called out, "Wrinkles?"
Frm Reader's Digest Asia Jan 2013
A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help."
"Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..."
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
If a nickel knew what it is worth today, it would feel like two cents.
A lot of pessimists get that way from financing optimists.
When you have your head up your butt, 4 of the 5 senses do not work.
I'd rather visit the zoo than most of my relatives.
If only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens?
Commercial truck owners should be required to pay into a state windshield repair fund.
I knew the Louisiana Purchase was a bad idea.
I work for a living, I don't live for working.
With fuel prices skyrocketing, they should now call them gasp pumps!
Buffet is a French term, It means "get up and get it yourself."
Without geometry, life is pointless.
To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more relaxing than going fishing.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
If people talk behind your back, it only means you are two steps ahead.
Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
Why is the National Guard in Iraq and the Army in New Orleans?
Yes, I'm lost... but I'm making GREAT time!
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings.
Time isn't on my side. It's on my back.