- MOM! HEY MOM!
- Steve, stop yelling across the house! If you want to talk to me, walk over to the living room. Where I am!
- Mom, I stepped in dog poo. Where's the hose?
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- MOM! HEY MOM!
- Steve, stop yelling across the house! If you want to talk to me, walk over to the living room. Where I am!
- Mom, I stepped in dog poo. Where's the hose?
"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire.'"
Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.
"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"
"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?"
He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If elected I promise...'"
A man went to the doctor. The doctor examined him and said: "I'm sorry to have to tell you this - but you only have three minutes left to live."
The man said: "Oh my god! Are you sure there is nothing you can do for me?"
The doctor thought for a moment then replied: "I could boil you an egg!"
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy: W."
Felix: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a sheep!
Doctor: That's baaa-d.
1st thief : Oh! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time to be superstitious.
A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you!”
“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.
“It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking to the wine.”
Wife: Honey I lost 5 pounds!
Husband: AT LAST... you washed off your makeup!
The stock broker was nervous his first day in prison because his cellmate looked like a tough customer. "Don't worry," the gruff fellow said, "I'm in for a white-collar crime, too."
"Is that right?" The stock broker said, relieved.
"Yeah," said the prisoner, "I killed a priest."
Law Professor: Which is the most important Law of Finance for Starting a New Business?
Student: Father-in-Law!
A man goes to the dentist and says, "My teeth are kind of yellow, what do you recommend?"
The dentist replies, "A brown tie!"
How did the farmer find his wife?
He tractor down
During the course of being interviewed by the press, the noted doctor was asked by a reporter: "Doctor, did you ever make a serious mistake?"
"Yes," was the reply, "I once cured a millionaire in three visits!"
A cop pulled me over and saids, "Papers."
I turned to him and said, "Scissors. I win!" and then drove away.
Officer to driver going the wrong way up a one way street. "And where do you think you are going?"
Driver: "I'm not sure, but I must be late as everyone else is already coming back."
Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
“Why don't some couples go to the gym?
- Because some relationships don't work out.”
Where are the worst hotels? A:
Where are the worst hotels? A: Texas, the lone star state.
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
Diet Day #1- I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.
A little boy says, ‘Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.’ ‘Son,’ says the dad.
‘That happens everywhere.’
Paddy and Murphy are walking in the jungle by a river, and see a man's head sticking out of a crocodile.
Paddy says to Murphy: "Look at that flash bloke in his Lacoste sleeping bag."
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
Customer: Waiter, is this supposed to be coffee or tea?
Waiter: What does it taste like?
Customer: It tastes like gasoline!
Waiter: Well, sir, that would be the coffee. The tea tastes like turpentine.
Women are unpredictable:
Before marriage, she expects a man.
After marriage she suspects him.
And after death she respects him.
Teacher: Sir, why doctors wear a mask when they do an operation?
Student: For safety. If the patient dies, others can't find out who did the operation.
Have you heard of the garlic diet?
You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner.
A Texan went to California. As he walked around a garden, he picked up a watermelon.
"Are these the biggest cucumbers you raise?" asked the Texan.
"Put down that raisin," snapped the Californian.
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
Reviews say that the food is very good but there is no atmosphere!
A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant. The doctor says, "I know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?"
The girl thought and then asked, "Doc, if you ate a can of Baked Beans, would you know which bean made you fart?"
Everyone on a passenger ship could see a bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is that man?" a passenger asked the ship's captain. "Why is he so upset?"
"I have no idea," the Captain replied, "but, every year when we pass by here, he goes crazy."
An old couple were talking. The wife asked her husband, "How many women have you slept with?"
"Only you, Darling,” the man replied proudly. “With all the others I was awake."
The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier: "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning."
The soldier replied: "Thank you very much, sir."
What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?
They are four ways you can lose your house!
Children:
You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.
Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and be quiet.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful", which tense is it?
Student: Obviously it is the past tense.
A plumber was trying to placate a woman in her flooded kitchen.
"Listen, ma'am", he said, "crying only makes it worse."