Two men are hiking through the woods when one of them cries out, “Snake! Run!”
His companion laughs at him. “Oh, relax. It’s only a baby,” he says. “Don’t you hear the rattle?”
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Two men are hiking through the woods when one of them cries out, “Snake! Run!”
His companion laughs at him. “Oh, relax. It’s only a baby,” he says. “Don’t you hear the rattle?”
As the judge sentenced me to death, I tried to offer him a high five.
But he left me hanging.
A manager announces to his staff, “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”
A voice in the background says, “I’m offering 200!”
A woman calls her mother.
"My husband and I have been fighting so much lately. I am going to come live with you again."
Her mother replies, "No dear, he should pay for his mistakes. I am coming to live with you."
The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know why men always want to marry a virgin?"
To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."
A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray.
"Is this good for wasps?" he asks the assistant.
To which she replies "No, it kills them."
Writing a horror screenplay. It starts off with a ringing phone.
The person answers and it’s their mom saying, “I have a computer question...“
So many items are no longer made in America...
I just bought a new tv and the box said “built in antenna”...
I don’t even know where that is!
A cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway...
Police advise citizens to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals!
Q: What do you call the space between Kim Kardashian's breasts and butt cheeks?
A: Silicon Valley.
My wife is incredibly smart.
When I called her from my buddy’s phone she answered, “Hey love!”
She already knew it was me.
“When the arsonist met his girlfriend it was a perfect match. Both of them could light up a room with their presence.”
Patient: Nurse, I am very eager to know my blood group.
Nurse: B positive.
Patient: Please tell me soon...
Nurse: B positive.
Patient: Madam, I am positive, but eager to know the blood my group.
A gang member was holding his 8-month-old baby while his wife was in the kitchen fixing lunch. The baby murmured "mother".
The guy gets all excited and hollered to his wife, "Hey, the baby just said half a word!"
I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she was googling my name last night on her computer...
I saw it clearly through my binoculars!
“The decision to legalize marijuana was made by a high government official.”
Why didn’t the sun go to college?
Because it already had a million degrees!
Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia.
Man: Wait! I can explain everything.
Fact of Life: After Monday & Tuesday Even the Calendar says W T F
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating proposing.
"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.
"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."
In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"
The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"
Two students were talking about their childhood.
"I was a very clever toddler. By the time I was ten months old, I could already walk."
"You call that clever?" the other said. "I managed to trick my parents into carrying me until I was three!"
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son.
He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city. But his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
"How did you find your steak?" asked the waiter of a patron in the very expensive restaurant.
"Just luck," the hungry man replied, sadly. "I happened to move that small piece of potato, and there it was!"
A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Native American.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the man replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."
A man giving a long-winded speech finally says, "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."
A voice from the crowd says, "There's a calendar behind you."
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the start of April and I’ve grown bigger ever since.
I hate it when my wife says "Are you listening to me?!"
Such a random way to start a conversation.
Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly.
Today I’m putting a cockroach in the bathroom.
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.
My wallet is like an onion.
When I open it, it makes me cry.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing...
If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
A man was found guilty of overusing commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner!"
I am so old...
When walking into a bar they checked my pulse instead of my ID!
I just saw some idiot at the gym...
He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill!
The doorbell rings. A man opens the door and there's his mother-in-law on the front step.
She asks, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
The man says, "Sure you can." And he closes the door.
My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”
I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”