"I can't find it." Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"That's women's work." Really means: "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."
"Will you marry me?" Really means: "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"It's a guy thing." Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"It would take too long to explain." Really means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means: "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late." Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're worrying too hard." Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear." Really means: "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means: "I forgot our anniversary again."
"It's really a good movie." Really means: "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and good looking women."
"You know how bad my memory is." Really means: "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal." Really means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house." Really means: "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."
"What did I do this time?" Really means: "What did you catch me doing?"
"She's one of the rabid feminists." Really means: "She refused to make my coffee."
"I heard you." Really means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You really look terrific in that outfit." Really means: "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."
"I missed you." Really means: "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework." Really means: "I make the messes. She cleans them up."
"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means: "I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help."