Reply With QuoteMy wallet is like an onion.
When I open it, it makes me cry.
Finish The Start
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.
My wallet is like an onion.
When I open it, it makes me cry.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing...
If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
A man was found guilty of overusing commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner!"
I am so old...
When walking into a bar they checked my pulse instead of my ID!
Gym Equipment
I just saw some idiot at the gym...
He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill!
You Can Stay
The doorbell rings. A man opens the door and there's his mother-in-law on the front step.
She asks, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
The man says, "Sure you can." And he closes the door.
Sick On Weekdays
My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”
I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”
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