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  1. #201
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    Smile Insurance Assurance

    A man phoned to find out whether he could get insurance if the nearby volcano erupted...
    They assured him he would be covered.

  2. #202
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    Smile It's A Valid Point

    If con is the opposite of pro...
    Does that mean Congress is the opposite of progress?

  3. #203
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    Default

    I asked my phone, "Siri, why am I so bad with women?"
    She said, "I'm Alexa you moron."

  4. #204
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    If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be...
    There's no need to remind her every half hour.

  5. #205
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    Smile My Wife's Birthday

    It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
    She'll be happy to know I got the hint.
    I got her a magazine rack!

  6. #206
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    Smile

    A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or my sexy body?"

    He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."

  7. #207
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    Smile That Was A Threat

    I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me.
    She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?”
    I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”

  8. #208
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    Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with.

  9. #209
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    Before crowbars were invented...
    ...most crows drank at home by themselves.

  10. #210
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    Smile Taxes One-Liners

    Nothing has done more to stimulate the writing of fiction than the itemized deduction section of the income-tax forms.

    The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf.

    People who squawk about their income tax can be divided into two classes: men and women.

    The average man knows as much about the atomic bomb as he does about his income-tax form.

    Income taxes are not so bad and certainly could be worse. Suppose we had to pay on what we think we are worth?

    George Washington never told a lie, but then he never had to file a Form 1040.

    What the present income-tax form needs is a section which would explain the explanations.

    When making out your income-tax report, be sure you don't overlook your most expensive dependent - the government.

    It has almost reached the point where, if a person takes a day off, he falls behind in his income-tax payments.

    Income-tax forms are nothing more than the government's quiz program.

    Some of us can recall the day when a person who had to pay income tax was considered to be wealthy.

    No stretch of the imagination is as complete as the one used in filling out income-tax forms.

    Income tax is the fine you pay for thriving so fast.

    We wouldn't mind paying income tax if we could know which country it's going to.

    Income-tax forms should be more realistic by allowing the taxpayer to list Uncle Sam as a dependent.

    In 1913 Uncle Sam collected only 13 million dollars in income taxes. That's why they were called the "good old days."

    The guy who said that truth never hurts never had to fill out a Form 1040.

    Come to think of it, these income-tax forms leave little to the imagination and even less to the taxpayer.

    Just thinking about income taxes often taxes the mind - which is something people once said the IRS couldn't do.

    Making out your own income tax return is something like a do-it-yourself mugging.

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