One-Liners - Short Jokes

[SadMan]

What's the opposite of a microwave?
A tsunami.

My doctor advised me to cut down on my sodium intake.
I took his advice with a pinch of salt.

Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.

"Your underwear is much too tight and revealing," I said to my wife.
She replied, "Wear your own then."

I saw a book at the store today called "How to end 50% of your problems"
I bought two.

[SadMan]

Iamonthemoonandthereisnowheretogetabeer.
Thereisnospacebar.

[SadMan]

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

[SadMan]

I asked the chef at the seafood restaurant why octopus was off the menu.
He said, "It takes 4 hours to cook."
"Really?" I asked.
The chef replied, "Yes, it keeps turning the gas off!"

I got arrested for doing 1000 sit-ups in my own house!
They charged me with domestic ab use.

People always ask why I tuck a pen in my shoe
I reply "in case I need to make footnotes!"

My hands got all cut up and bloody handling a piece of cheese
I’ll never buy sharp cheddar again.

Which superhero is not allowed near children?
The flash.

Which superhero can’t you trust with your valuables?
The man of steal.

[SadMan]

When I was a little boy, I used to be afraid of the dark...
Now as an adult, I see the electric bill and I'm afraid of the light!

[SadMan]

I hate it when I can't figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech guy is asleep.
He's 5 and it's past his bedtime.