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  1. #271
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    Smile Five Short Jokes

    What's the opposite of a microwave?
    A tsunami.

    My doctor advised me to cut down on my sodium intake.
    I took his advice with a pinch of salt.

    Why do cows wear bells?
    Because their horns don't work.

    "Your underwear is much too tight and revealing," I said to my wife.
    She replied, "Wear your own then."

    I saw a book at the store today called "How to end 50% of your problems"
    I bought two.

  2. #272
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    Smile A Beer

    Iamonthemoonandthereisnowheretogetabeer.
    Thereisnospacebar.

  3. #273
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    Smile

    Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
    Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

  4. #274
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    Cool 6 Short Jokes

    I asked the chef at the seafood restaurant why octopus was off the menu.
    He said, "It takes 4 hours to cook."
    "Really?" I asked.
    The chef replied, "Yes, it keeps turning the gas off!"

    I got arrested for doing 1000 sit-ups in my own house!
    They charged me with domestic ab use.

    People always ask why I tuck a pen in my shoe
    I reply "in case I need to make footnotes!"

    My hands got all cut up and bloody handling a piece of cheese
    I’ll never buy sharp cheddar again.

    Which superhero is not allowed near children?
    The flash.

    Which superhero can’t you trust with your valuables?
    The man of steal.

  5. #275
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    Smile Adult Fears

    When I was a little boy, I used to be afraid of the dark...
    Now as an adult, I see the electric bill and I'm afraid of the light!

  6. #276
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    Smile Technical Assistance

    I hate it when I can't figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech guy is asleep.
    He's 5 and it's past his bedtime.

  7. #277
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    Smile Text Talk

    My wife texted me “I love u”.
    I said that’s my favorite letter, too.

  8. #278
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    Default

    “I have a split personality” said Bob, being frank.

    My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath.
    But I can’t even finish drinking the hot bath.

    I don't own a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into!

    I asked my boss, "Can I get a couple of weeks off for Christmas?"
    "It's May," he said.
    I said, "Sorry. May I get a couple of weeks off for Christmas?"

  9. #279
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    Default



    I asked my friend when his birthday was, and he said, "March 1st".
    So I walked around the room like a soldier and asked him again.

    Daughter: "How do I look, Dad?"
    Me: "With your eyes, sweetie."

    "Come into the bedroom and I'll show you a good time," I said to the wife.
    When she came up I showed her pictures of me and my mates before I met her!

  10. #280
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    Smile Bitten By A Wolf

    An emergency call: "Come quick, my friend was bitten by a wolf!"
    Operator: "Where?"
    Caller: "No, a regular one!"

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