One-Liners - Short Jokes

[SadMan]

What's the opposite of a microwave?
A tsunami.

My doctor advised me to cut down on my sodium intake.
I took his advice with a pinch of salt.

Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.

"Your underwear is much too tight and revealing," I said to my wife.
She replied, "Wear your own then."

I saw a book at the store today called "How to end 50% of your problems"
I bought two.

[SadMan]

Iamonthemoonandthereisnowheretogetabeer.
Thereisnospacebar.

[SadMan]

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

[SadMan]

I asked the chef at the seafood restaurant why octopus was off the menu.
He said, "It takes 4 hours to cook."
"Really?" I asked.
The chef replied, "Yes, it keeps turning the gas off!"

I got arrested for doing 1000 sit-ups in my own house!
They charged me with domestic ab use.

People always ask why I tuck a pen in my shoe
I reply "in case I need to make footnotes!"

My hands got all cut up and bloody handling a piece of cheese
I’ll never buy sharp cheddar again.

Which superhero is not allowed near children?
The flash.

Which superhero can’t you trust with your valuables?
The man of steal.

[SadMan]

When I was a little boy, I used to be afraid of the dark...
Now as an adult, I see the electric bill and I'm afraid of the light!

[SadMan]

I hate it when I can't figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech guy is asleep.
He's 5 and it's past his bedtime.

[SadMan]

My wife texted me “I love u”.
I said that’s my favorite letter, too.

[SadMan]

“I have a split personality” said Bob, being frank.

My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath.
But I can’t even finish drinking the hot bath.

I don't own a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into!

I asked my boss, "Can I get a couple of weeks off for Christmas?"
"It's May," he said.
I said, "Sorry. May I get a couple of weeks off for Christmas?"

[SadMan]

I asked my friend when his birthday was, and he said, "March 1st".
So I walked around the room like a soldier and asked him again.

Daughter: "How do I look, Dad?"
Me: "With your eyes, sweetie."

"Come into the bedroom and I'll show you a good time," I said to the wife.
When she came up I showed her pictures of me and my mates before I met her!

[SadMan]

An emergency call: "Come quick, my friend was bitten by a wolf!"
Operator: "Where?"
Caller: "No, a regular one!"