I Need A Raise
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise.
My boss asked, "What companies?"
I replied, "Gas, water, and electricity."
Short Jokes
Did you know that the Icelandic alphabet does not contain the letter Z…
How do they sleep at night?
Just saw three people jogging outside my window, and it inspired me...
To get up and close the curtains. That's enough interaction with people today!
If I had to rate our solar system
I'd give it one star
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life. ..
Push and Pull!
I have a lot of respect for giraffes.
They're an animal you can really look up to.
The Two Reasons Why
I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot.
It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there.
They have no wife to go home to... or they do!
Reincarnation Seminar
Last night, I spent 5,000 bucks on a reincarnation seminar...
I figured, "What the heck, you only live once!"
Logging In
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say: "Close Enough."
Going To A Nude Beach
My friend bought a bus pass to a nude beach.
It turned out to be a ticket to no wear.
When We Were Kids
It was different when we were kids.
In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts...
To make ashtrays for Mother's Day.
I Wish I Was Rich
A genie came to me and asked, "What's your first wish?"
I answered, "I wish I was rich!"
Then the genie said, "What's your second wish, Rich?"
I was once served French pancakes in a haunted house…
They gave me the crepes!
I got fired from Pepsi after working there for 20 years.
I tested positive for coke.
It's ironic how funeral directors have raised the price of funerals.
And blamed it on cost of living.
Save money when buying a coffin…
Buy a pen from Amazon and use the box it came in!
I wonder what Jeff Bezos does before he goes to bed.
Probably puts his pyjamazon.
I paid $500 for a belt.
It was a huge waist.
A wife says to her husband: “If I knew you’d be broke I wouldn’t have married you!”
Husband: “But I told you that you’re the most valuable thing in my life!”
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