Steal a man’s wallet and he’ll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he’ll be poor for the rest of his life.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A tsunami.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, "wow they be bonding."
My doctor advised me to cut down on my sodium intake.
I took his advice with a pinch of salt.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
"Your underwear is much too tight and revealing," I said to my wife.
She replied, "Wear your own then."
I saw a book at the store today called "How to end 50% of your problems"
I bought two.
My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends, so she said I was a bad lover...
You should have seen her face when they all disagreed.
I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read
“One day this could be you.” I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he is right.
An old man comes to confession and says to the priest: “Father, I’m 80 years old, married, with 4 children and 11 grandchildren, but last night I cheated on my faithful wife with two 18-year-old girls.” “My son, when was the last time you were at confession?” “Never, Father, I’m actually Jewish.” “Then why are you telling me this?” “Well, I’m telling everyone!”
A guy tells his buddy, "My wife ran off with my best friend Mike yesterday."
His buddy says, "Mike? Since when has Mike been your best friend?"
And the guy says, "Since yesterday."
What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?
I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.
With Tylenol allegedly causing autism, I texted my mom asking if she ever took it while pregnant with me…..
“Only if I had a hangover”, was her response.
Hey Love
My wife is incredibly smart.
When I called her from my buddy’s phone she answered, “Hey love!”
She already knew it was me.
All Dressed Up
When a strip club isn't open there should be a sign that reads:
"Sorry, We're Clothed!"
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