One-Liners - Short Jokes

[SadMan]

During an auction of exotic pets, a woman who had placed a winning bid told the auctioneer, "I'm paying a fortune for that parrot. I hope he talks as well as you say he does."

"I guarantee it, madam," replied the auctioneer. "Who do you think was bidding against you?"

[SadMan]

• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
• I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
• We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
• Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

[SadMan]

Question: Who is more satisfied, a man with a million dollars, or a man with six children?

Answer: The man with six children. The man with a million dollars wants more.

[SadMan]

A perfect example of minority rule is a baby in the house.

I lost twenty pounds. Unfortunately, I was in England at the time.

Success is getting what you like, happiness is liking what you get.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

The trouble with a three-day weekend is that it turns Tuesday into Monday.

You think this is a free country until you move into a subdivision with a homeowners' association.

The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Isn't it a shame that future generations can't be here to see all the wonderful things we're doing with their money?

It never occurs to some people that there is a big difference between giving advice and lending a hand.

Elections should be held on Christmas. That way, if we don't like who we elect, we can exchange them.

If something goes without saying, let it!

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

If you want a new idea, read an old book.

Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!

If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan?

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

You can't make your candle burn brighter by blowing out the other fellow's.

I was stopped once for going 53 in a 35 mile zone, but I told them I was dyslexic.

I figured out a way to slow down inflation. Turn it over to a government worker!

The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

[SadMan]

After drinking, men talk unnecessarily, become emotional, drive badly, stop thinking, fight for nothing.

Women can do all these without drinking!

[SadMan]

A question I want to asked based on my observation at the supermarket - Why do they make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

[nav0413]

Those jokes made my day! Thanks to you, Mr. SadMan!

[MaraJadeC]

The topic for my third grade class was genetics. Smiling broadly, I pointed to my dimples and asked, "What trait do you think I passed on to my children?"
After a pause, one student called out, "Wrinkles?"

Frm Reader's Digest Asia Jan 2013

[SadMan]

A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help."

"Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..."

[SadMan]

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

If a nickel knew what it is worth today, it would feel like two cents.

A lot of pessimists get that way from financing optimists.

When you have your head up your butt, 4 of the 5 senses do not work.

I'd rather visit the zoo than most of my relatives.

If only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens?

Commercial truck owners should be required to pay into a state windshield repair fund.

I knew the Louisiana Purchase was a bad idea.

I work for a living, I don't live for working.

With fuel prices skyrocketing, they should now call them gasp pumps!

Buffet is a French term, It means "get up and get it yourself."

Without geometry, life is pointless.

To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more relaxing than going fishing.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

If people talk behind your back, it only means you are two steps ahead.

Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.

Why is the National Guard in Iraq and the Army in New Orleans?

Yes, I'm lost... but I'm making GREAT time!

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings.

Time isn't on my side. It's on my back.