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  1. #51
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    So this kid has been using lots of his dad's money and the dad says, "Do you think money grows on trees?"

    "Yeah," says the kid.

    "Well, it doesn't," says the dad.

    "So what is money made out of, Dad?"

    "Paper," the dad says.

    "And what is paper made out of?"

    "Shut up."

  2. #52
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    After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

    The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

  3. #53
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    An Irishman finds a sandwich in a gutter with 2 red wires sticking out of it.

    He calls the cops and says "Help me!!! I've found a sandwich which looks like a bomb."

    Cop says, "Is it ticken?"

    Irishman says, "No, I tink its beef."

  4. #54
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    Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?

    Dentist: Wear a brown tie...

  5. #55
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    Default Gym Advice

    An older man, not in the best physical condition, asked the trainer in the gym, "I want to impress a beautiful young girl. Which machine should I use?" The trainer replied, "Use the ATM machine outside!"

  6. #56
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    Cool Big Date

    Cowboy: Give me three packets of condoms, please.
    CASHIER: Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?
    Cowboy: Nah. She ain't THAT ugly.

  7. #57
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    A blonde had some goldfish and she did not know how to feed them. So she called her brunette friend, and she showed her how.

    Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said, "Now, what do I give them to drink?"

  8. #58
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    A murderer was secured to the electric chair, about to be executed.

    The chaplain approached him and asked, "Do you have any last requests?"

    "Yes," replied the murderer. "Would you hold my hand?"

  9. #59
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    Q: What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?

    A: An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next year. A Sicilian actuary can give you their names...

  10. #60
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    Default New Years Eve One Liners

    Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.

    An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

    When I thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year, I gave up thinking.

    You know it's time for a New Year's resolution to lose weight when you step on a talking scale and it says, "One at a time, please!"

    A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

    My New Year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

    New Year's Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper.

    My New Year's resolution is 1080p.

    I'm getting drunk just thinking about tomorrow night.

    My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.

    If 2013 was a person, I'd sue him for pain and suffering and lost wages.

    This New Year's I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.

    People treat New Year's like some sort of life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it's probably still going to suck tomorrow.

    Dear Luck, can we be friends in 2014 please?

    May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions.

    I want to get so drunk that if vampires bit my neck they'd get a Bloody Mary.

    I wanna kiss you on December 31st from 11:59 pm to 12:01 am, so I can have an amazing ending to 2013 and a beautiful beginning into 2014.

    Many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Year's Eve. DIGNITY is not one of them.

    Every year I make a resolution to change myself... this year making a resolution to be myself!

    I'm planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in 2014.

    Just heard that in 2014 there will be a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it's called alcohol.

    My New Year's Resolution is to break my New Year's Resolutions...That way I succeed at something!

    Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn't drinking enough of it.

    New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar.

    I'm actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year.

    My 2014 resolution is for everyone else to gain the 50 pounds I refuse to lose.

    Tonight the Mayor is dropping the ball in New York while Congress is dropping the ball in Washington.

    There have been many times in 2013, when I have annoyed you, disturbed you, irritated you, and bugged the hell out of you....today I just wanna tell you I plan to continue in 2014!

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