- MOM! HEY MOM!
- Steve, stop yelling across the house! If you want to talk to me, walk over to the living room. Where I am!
- Mom, I stepped in dog poo. Where's the hose?
"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire.'"
Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.
"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"
"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?"
He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If elected I promise...'"
A man went to the doctor. The doctor examined him and said: "I'm sorry to have to tell you this - but you only have three minutes left to live."
The man said: "Oh my god! Are you sure there is nothing you can do for me?"
The doctor thought for a moment then replied: "I could boil you an egg!"
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy: W."
Felix: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a sheep!
Doctor: That's baaa-d.
1st thief : Oh! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time to be superstitious.
A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you!”
“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.
“It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking to the wine.”
Wife: Honey I lost 5 pounds!
Husband: AT LAST... you washed off your makeup!
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