People are usually shocked when they find out I am not a good electrician.
Interviewer: "Your resume says you take things too literally."
Me: “When the hell did my resume learn to talk?”
People are usually shocked when they find out I am not a good electrician.
Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done.
Turns out, he only does odd jobs.
When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."
I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots, and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."
The bartender asks, "What do you have?"
The guy answers, "75 cents."
Doctor: "Would you have the money if I said you needed an operation?"
Patient: "Would you say I needed an operation if you thought I didn't have the money?"
The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 26 minutes...
And it was performed by the child sitting behind me on Delta flight 963 from LA to Tokyo.
Dentist: "You need a crown."
Patient: "Finally, someone who understands me."
“Darling, I think the new dryer is shrinking my clothes.”
“No, sweetie, that was the fridge.”
"How long have you been working at that office?"
"Ever since they threatened to fire me."
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