One-Liners - Short Jokes

[SadMan]

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.

[SadMan]

A man was found guilty of overusing commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.

[SadMan]

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner!"

[SadMan]

I am so old...
When walking into a bar they checked my pulse instead of my ID!

[SadMan]

I just saw some idiot at the gym...
He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill!

[SadMan]

The doorbell rings. A man opens the door and there's his mother-in-law on the front step.
She asks, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
The man says, "Sure you can." And he closes the door.

[SadMan]

My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”
I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”