Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his barstool and lies motionless on the floor.
"One thing about Fred," his buddy says to the bartender. "He knows when to stop."
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Bill: It was really bad in divorce court today with me and my wife.
Doug: How's that?
Bill: Well she cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook!
Pessimist...sees a dark tunnel.
Optimist...sees a light at the end of the tunnel.
Realist...sees a freight train.
Train operator...sees three idiots standing on the tracks.
Q: What is the difference between a Fairy Tale and A Truck Drivers Tale?
A: A Fairy Tale starts off "Once upon a time..." A Truck Driver's tale starts off "Man, you ain't gonna believe this shit..."
"Cheer up," the lawyer advised his recently divorced colleague, "there are plenty of other fish in the sea."
"Maybe so," replied his despondent friend, "but the last one took all my bait."
His wife's grave side service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
A guy asked for a goodnight kiss, but the girl rebuffed him haughtily, saying: "I don't do that sort of thing on my first date!"
"Well," he said sarcastically, "how about on your last date?"
Two adjoining barber shops were in a fierce competition. One put up a sign advertising haircuts for $7. So the other put up a sign that read: "We repair $7 haircuts"
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